my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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