6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
