If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
