So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
