I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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