The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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