I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
