The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
