brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
