my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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