In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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