I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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