i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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