You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
