There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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