Ambien. No doubt about it.
I want to have your abortion
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
