im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
