what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
