is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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