I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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