Im at strip club and am horny
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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