I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
