I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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