so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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