So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
