Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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