its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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