she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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