come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Randomize
