Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
MIDGETS
????
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
