Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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