she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
