Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
