True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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