made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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