i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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