So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
