You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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