I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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