I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
