i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
