we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
