literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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