chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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