I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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