Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
