I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
