I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
