did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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