somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
