if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
