I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
